Ten Ways To Get Yourself Killed By Ronon
by devilishblacksheep
Summary: The title is pretty selfexplanatory. This is a joke, so please, no one take this seriously. If you don't have a sense of humor, for God's sake, don't read this.
1. You're Pretty

**Hey all**

**Trying something new…an entirely humorous fic. This is about Ronon Dex from Stargate: Atlantis, and, in my opinion, is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Of course, if you don't watch the show you won't get it, and if you have absolutely no sense of humor you probably won't find it amusing either; Ronon is one of my favorite characters, so the horrible situations I will shortly put him through are not to be taken seriously.**

**I do not own Ronon or any other characters that show up throughout the fic, nor do I own the show itself. The situations, however, belong partly to me and partly to my friend Abby (we both have this weird fascination with Ronon…if you don't understand it, don't even bother asking; I can't explain it.) So, here it is: **

**_Ten Ways To Get Yourself Killed By Ronon_**

Number one: Tell him you think he's pretty.

Abby was walking down the hall of the base of operations for the Atlantis Stargate. Suddenly, she saw Ronon walking down the hall towards her, and was overcome with an overwhelming desire to blurt something out that she had been wanting to say to him for some time now. Never being one for turning down a perfect opportunity, she poked him, causing him to stop and stare at her in complete confusion. "You're pretty…" she said, in a voice that sounded like a small child. Ronon continued to stare at her, completely dumbstruck. He would have glared, but the situation was just so frickin' _weird_ that he just wanted to laugh, making all attempts at a glare virtually impossible. He thought back to a solution that Sheppard had told him was a surefire way to deal with the "crazies"; _smile and nod, just smile and nod_.

**Yes, I know; there is no actual death in this chapter. But it's just so darn funny that I couldn't help but include it. I promise, every chapter after this will end in someone dying (You sickos).**


	2. Hand

**I own nothing but the ideas, and even those I don't own entirely. Just so you know, these get increasingly weirder as they go on; I was typing them pretty late, and caffeine was involved.**

Number Two: This one I can't really summarize, so I'll just give you the situation.

Abby, somehow allowed on the base after her actions in the previous chapter, was in a goofy mood. As seen in the previous chapter, this was her normal state of being, and therefore went unquestioned. First she had superglued Sheppard's hand to a ketchup bottle (the look when he couldn't let go of the bottle was priceless), then she had replaced Zalenka's meticulous calculations with complete gibberish. Now it was time for Ronon. She had the perfect plan, too; she had decorated her hand to look exactly like a Wraith's, complete with the thing they used for feeding. Of course, none of it worked, but it looked pretty darn realistic.

She hid behind a corner, waiting for Ronon to walk down the hallway. Sure enough, a few minutes later, here came the unsuspecting victim. Abby jumped out from around the corner, thrusting the hand towards Ronon's chest and yelling. Without thinking, Ronon took out his gun and shot her point blank. It was only after he realized who it was that he felt a little guilty. She had been quite amusing the other day…


	3. Wraith

Number three: Dress up like a Wraith for Halloween

It was Halloween, Sheppard's favorite time of year. He loved dressing up like the scariest thing he could think of, and this year he had the perfect costume. He had bought white dreadlocks, and had made himself a Wraith mask. He was wearing the oldest, grossest, ugliest clothes he could find, along with some of Ronon's leather stuff he had "borrowed" the other day, and he thought the overall effect was pretty good.

He walked down the hall towards Weir's office, since she had paged him about something; she had said what it was, but Sheppard never paid attention. So, he was walking down the hall when he ran into Ronon. Ronon, seeing his worst nightmares come true, responded on instinct and years of experience, and shot him four or five times in a row, then began stabbing him until he was positive the Wraith was absolutely, irrevocably, thoroughly, dead. Weir, having waited for Sheppard to show up for twenty minutes and getting impatient, had decided to go to his room to see what was taking so long. Upon seeing Ronon over the body of a "Wraith," she became extremely annoyed. Sheppard had told her what he was doing, so she knew that it was him on the ground. She bent down and pulled the mask off, revealing Sheppard's face. She turned to the incredulous Ronon. "Ronon, it's Halloween, you dumbass." Apparently, no one had ever explained to Ronon what exactly Halloween was, because he began to stutter. "But- But- " Weir, thoroughly annoyed, did the only thing left to her; she smacked him upside the head. Hard.


	4. No More Dreds

Number Four: Undo his dreds

Weir snuck into Ronon's room, against her better judgment. She usually tried to avoid this room, afraid of what the Satedan had done to it since he had become part of the team. To her surprise, it was extremely neat, with everything put away and nothing out of place. Of course, this shouldn't have surprised her, since Ronon had after all served for years in the military on his home planet, but for the point of this story she had incorrectly assumed his room was a total mess. Also, he had very few possessions, so this was ridiculous thinking on her part, but the author is now moving on to the actual story, since her rambling has absolutely nothing to do with what is going on.

Ronon was asleep, which put Weir at ease. The man always made her nervous, mainly because he was so darn violent (hee hee). She watched him sleep for no reason whatsoever, then noticed his dredlocks. They were massive, and a mess. He obviously hadn't combed his hair in a long time, if ever, which offended her girlish sensibilities. So, acting on instinct and without thought for future consequences, she began to untangle them, pulling out her heavy-duty comb from her pocket. It took a long time. When she was finished, she had a pile of various strange things on the floor, which had all come out of Ronon's hair. There were various knives, and other assorted pointy objects, as well as a needle and thread, a collection of oranges, bananas, and apples, and a multitude of Aretus bugs (if you don't know what these are, maybe you picked the wrong fanfic to read…shame on you).

She then cut it all off, because she always preferred guys to have less hair than she did. So, there Ronon was, lying on his bed with a haircut that oddly resembled that of Lt. Colonel Sheppard. He woke up, extremely confused to find Dr. Weir in his room. He gave her a quizzical look, then realized that he had significantly less hair than when he fell asleep. He then glared at the one person who could possibly be responsible, considering she was still holding a pair of scissors and was collecting the huge pile of hair on the floor. "You cut off my dreds. Why." It was more of a command than a question, like most of the things he asked. She looked up to see him glaring at her, and immediately tried to explain herself. "But they were messy…and smelly…and for God's sake, there was a colony of Aretus bugs living in them!" She gestured towards the bugs crawling on the floor, looking for a place to hide. Ronon was not amused, and in a fit of rage picked up one of the knives from the floor and stabbed her with it.


	5. TwoWay Mirror

Number Five: Two way mirror with a picture of a Wraith in the middle of the two layers. (It'll make more sense in the situation, I promise)

McCay was feeling ambitious and wanted to play a joke on Ronon (Man, it's just pick on Ronon week, isn't it?). He went into a room with a two-way mirror, and somehow managed to put a picture of a Wraith's face in it (don't ask me how; I don't know…figure it out yourself) so that whoever looked into the mirror would see a Wraith's face instead of their own. He then walked to the other side of the mirror and sat down to wait.

Ronon came into the room, and looked into the mirror. He saw a Wraith, and immediately shot the mirror four or five times in a row. The bullets traveled through the mirror, killing McCay, who died laughing maniacally at the joke.


	6. Beat His Kill Count

Number Six: Beat his kill count by one

Teyla and Ronon were fighting against the bad guys on whatever planet they were on. At the end of the battle, they compared kill counts. "I got twenty-five," Ronon declared, very proud of himself.

"Twenty-six. Boo-ya, loser!" Teyla yelled in an uncharacteristic fit of glee. Ronon, ever the competitive one, shot her in irritation. "Now I got twenty-six. Plus all yours. So that makes…" he did a quick calculation. "Fifty-two. _Now_ who's the loser?"


End file.
